Peri-Peri-Pratt

Nando's can fuck off...

I'm sorry, but when is basically doing everything yourself bar actually cooking the food, acceptable when you've gone out for a meal?

Clearly Nando's is not a restaurant, even if the big fat hens at the top do think so. The sheer cheek to expect you to cough up grotesque amounts of spondulicks for some battery chicken in pitta or rancid, dusty olives is criminal.

Bullshit.

Plus who decided that the tiny wooden cockerel on a stick, which blankly wobbles in it's condiment holster like a disregarded Xmas cracker trinket, was a sufficient means of deciding who has and who hasn't been served? A fucking child with no head could have constructed a better method.

bonediseaseforyourchildren.com/fuckoff.html

People who say expressions such as "confused.com!" or "bored.com!" or add .com, .org, .net, .whatbloodyever, to the end of their speech, can do everyone a favour and fucking rot...

Don't act as if this is some witty idiom or form of contemporary, self-knowing slang. It isn't. And if you are ever tempted to say this, stop yourself and consider, that if you continue, how much of a hollowed out vulgar titfuck of a person you would instantly become.

Here's an example, to expel the myth surrounding this particular phrase:

"This Wetherspoons sucks: BORED DOT COM!!!"

Translation

"This Wetherspoons sucks: I AM LONELY AND DESPERATE FOR PEOPLE TO FIND ME FUNNY AND LIKABLE I DRINK TO BECOME UNINHIBITED AND MOMENTARILY GAIN SUFFICIENT FUEL TO FILL THE DECAPITATED SENSE OF ISOLATION I HAVE THROUGH A WATERY SPIRIT AND OVERLY HAIRY BACK AND EARS I AM ONLY CAPABLE OF REGURGITATING ADVERTISEMENT GARBAGE TO ESTABLISH A LEVELLED PLAYING FIELD WITH MY PEERS IN WHICH THERE IS NO FEAR OF NOT CONNECTING WITH ONE ANOTHER SECRETLY I HARBOUR BIZARRE REPRESSED FANTASIES ABOUT POLIO I HAVE MASTURBATED IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY PORTRAIT MANY TIMES AND I CRY LOADS AND LOADS"

Also... Guess what?

That's right! You are officially in the top 15 most hated people on the planet, just below the Croydon tram racist and Kim Jong-il, but just above Gary Glitter and the entire contents of Essex.

Pro-choice

Children who insist on swinging around the vertical hand rails on the tube can fuck off...

Cheers for making me feel awkward and having to give that polite 'kids will be kids' smile to your mum when you bump in to me. That smile really means 'I hope your child gets bullied at school'.

Why weren't you just aborted you snivelling arseholes.

People that can Fuck off: No. 22 Yannis from Foals

Next time you see him on television (which, quite frankly isn't going to be any time soon) take a very deep breath. One can gather the faint woody smell of a hollow head housing a tiny lego brick of a brain, whilst deep, untamed lashings of self satisfaction fuse powerfully with the fetid waft of pig shit and afterbirth.

We recommend serving Yannis with a light fish supper.

When I'm cleaning windows/catching a glimpse of your dirty pillows

Unscrupulous window cleaners who insist on cleaning your windows at the most inappropriate times can basically suck a hot stone and get fucked...

...I recon these hulking washers purposefully wait until they see people strolling about their homes in the nip or as they embrace a loved one for a sly piece of morning honey fun, rather than at sensible cleaning times when the house is most likely to be empty... Or, actually, maybe never, seeing as I am pretty sure I didn't ask for you to invade my property and then charge me for a job I could probably do myself in the first place.

Instead, the loud clatter of cheap wooden ladders, the whistling of Radio One slurry such as "Riverside (motherfucker)" and the conducting of boring conversations via speaker phone to equally boring people, greet the great British public each morning. Hearing this utter cacophony at 7am as you attempt to rouse your soiled body for another day of work, is about as energising as having a potty full of cold piss thrown over your head and a squeegee rammed up your arse.

Torture.

I've caught the window cleaner down my road have a proper good old look at me as I practised my single fisted drumming today. Weird, I thought it'd take a little longer than two days to warrant a re-clean of all the windows. Front and back. Inside and out.

Suppose the least I can offer him is a cup of tea and a dip in the biscuit barrel.

Wake up. Now fuck off

People that use "sleeps" as a unit of time measurement are mugs of the highest order. Counting down your excitement for a forthcoming event by describing it as "6 sleeps away" doesn't make you sound whimsical and cute, it makes you sound like some sort of irritatingly puerile, moronic Native Indian Chief. If you like, I can arrange for everything to be one big sleep away, by stoving your stupid fucking head in with a brick.

Dickhead

Big twats

People who knock about with wild animals can fuck off...

No matter how much you think you have a bond with a deadly animal, be assured that one day it will tear your throat off and not give two shits about it.

Why do wild animal lovers always have loads of pockets on their clothes and shit hoop earings?

Smile for the... actually, don't bother.

People who stick their tongue out in photographs can definitely fuck off...

...why is there such an insistence for people to pop out their tongues as a photo is being taken? Do they think it's saucy? Cheeky? Funny? A combination of all three?

Seeing a moist starfish arm coyly poking out from between puckered lips is nothing short of stomach turning. So stop it. Honestly it makes you look like you've got a cat's arse, one which is perpetually shitting out a razor slither of wet gammon, glued to your face. It most certainly doesn't make you appear like the fun lovin' and good humoured scamp, rather just an unimaginative knob with all the charisma of a pile of rotting whelks.

Note: This act is most often witnessed at working class bachelorette parties. This is where a gaggle of trollops, most of whom resemble a pile of cheap offal stuffed awkwardly into a sequinned boob tube, stand about getting pissed, wearing plastic tiaras and pound shop "L" plates. These groups are highly irritating and should be avoided at all costs by those with weak heart conditions, epilepsy and basic cognitive ability.

14 Across: female sex organ - horrible human (4)

People who classify puzzles as recreation can fuck off...

...this statement should set off alarm bells, for any persons believing that the rearrangment of letters and numbers into a logically defined uniform via specifically established criteria is a legitimate form of recreation, undeniably confirms them to be embossed with the hallmark, "Boring Sod". Through their twee barley water existence and inability to fully craft their own opinions, it is in fact these smudges who are causing the demise of western civilisation. Rather than flagellate the swarms of young hunchbacks who congregate like a flock of cross birds, turn and look to the people with personalities as full and rich as a bombed out Zimbabwean supermarket. They are the true apocalypse.

If you are someone who does disagrees with this frankly spot on entry, here is a complex anagram to keep your insightful mind ticking over: ILLK OUYRELSF OYU FCKIUGN WKAENR

People that can fuck off: No.23 Vanessa Redgrave

 
Just off out to steal the lead flashing off Vanessa Redgrave's roof. Then I'm gonna dump a load of shit in her garden, rob all her husbands tools off his van and bottle her son down the local.

Wonder if she will support me in my eviction case?

Daft bitch

Kunt Fu

'Crazy' people who claim to love old Kung Fu movies can fuck off...

You could try and make friends by being interesting or genuine, but if you're as exciting as a vow of silence then do yourself a favour and stamp on your own throat.

Halloweiner

The wet fart of cultural excitement that contemporary Britain pathetically tries to simulate during specific calendar events, can one hundred percent fuck off.

Cynically impoverished pedantry runs head first into lazy and unconvincing dress up with egregiously shit results, most noticeable seen on the official pagan/capitalist arsewiping day, Halloween. Watching throngs of feckless gobshites rubbing talc on their faces in an attempt to justify giving them sweets is honestly about as convincing as Brian Blessed eating some lipstick and claiming to be the perfect body double for Scarlett Johansson.

Any persons found participating in these absolute Mickey Mouse imitations should be subjected to a criminal blast of radiation to the groin, ceasing their ability to reproduce. Ideally this will result in the men frothing painful, two-headed sperm and the women laying giant boiled eggs.

People that can Fuck off: No. 49 Davina McCall

Consistently baffles human beings with an onslaught of verbal diarrhoea and facial tics. Looks like the after effect of feeding a horse five grams of MDMA and kicking it in the vagina.

#Getfucked

I wish people that post twitter updates outside of twitter would just go fuck themselves. It's somewhat admirable for Twitter to try and restrict people's absolute drivel to 140 characters, so if I wanted to listen to the concise yet ultimately fucking boring musings of a dullard, I'd subscribe to you on there, stop plastering it everywhere else. Oh and if you're the sort of person that uses hashtags outside of twitter, cease immediately. It's not edgy or clever, its you erroneously using proprietary meta-code. Re-read that last sentence, think about how fucking stupid that sounds and then have a word with yourself, you annoying little prick.

#prat

Dream On You Fucking Mug

People that sit there and painfully bleat on about a dream they've had can get fucked. There is honestly nothing more boring than a dull person ineloquently describing uninteresting events that haven't actually happened to people you've never met, so stop doing it you absolute fucking prats.

I hope these people get wrongfully accused of a gravely serious crime

Dicks Form

Boys who go to a girls school sixth form and suddenly think they are the shit can fuck off...

You can't just whack on a Burton suit, plonk yourself in amongst a load of teenage girls and think you're Hugh Hefner. He had to spend a while breaking down insecure women's self asteem before they would have a go on his doddering old witchetty grub.

I'm releasing a book next week about sixth form boys who are the first person at school to get a car. I tried to post it on here but the blogspot servers simply weren't having it.

People that can Fuck off: No. 75 Andrew Stone

Glitzy epitome for the delusional, brains-like-pigeon-shit masses. Obsesses pointlessly over own celebrity status: resembles a camp terracotta pot wearing lipstick and combat trousers.

Ice Ice Baby

Ice Skating.

There doesn't need any further explanation.

Stools out for summer

The smell of primary school toilets can most definitely fuck off...

Remember that milky concoction of loose child stools and illuminous floor cleaner that wafted forcefully into your face once the door had merely been looked at?

Awful.

If you don't recall this so greatly, here's a fun and easy way to emulate the sensation: drill a large hole in the bottom of a bucket, put your head inside the bucket, pour disinfectant through the hole, soil yourself.

Feels fairly accurate* I'd say.

*For those who were traumatised in their primary school toilets and wish for a more authentic simulation: subtract trousers, add pacifier.

TV's guide to insanity. Part 2

Insanity checklist:

1. Start laughing then suddenly turn it in to crying
2. Plaster loads of old newspaper and magazine cuttings on your walls
3. Scratch the eyes out of loved ones on family photos
4. Sit on the floor in the shower and cry

Congratulations, you are now insane.

Unfortunately you will never be as insane as Paul Nicholls in Eastenders.

Being this annoying is no mean feet.

Groups of women who insist on taking photos of their feet can completely fuck off.

I already consider drunk women to be among the most boring and irritating creatures in existence, yet their coup de grâce of absolute clownshoes behaviour is confirming just how dull their time together is by uploading overexposed, camera-phone quality pictures of their feet in a circle. Nobody wants to see pictures of your mucky little hooves you disgusting cunts

Happy Birthday to you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you...

That time of year again? Birthday celebrations all round!

"I know, seeing as my birthday falls on a Thursday and I'm already going out that night with my family, lets celebrate it properly on Friday! A proper booze up right!? We'll get everybody out and paint the town red! Hooray! Actually, come to think about it, my other half has got a big party planned on Sunday for other family members who couldn't make it Thursday, so... we might as well just extend the celebration, right? Great, a four day birthday! We'll make sure anyone who can't make it Thursday, Friday or Sunday can get down for a drink and a dance on Saturday... And also I might have a pre-birthday drink on Wednesday. I was technically born exactly as the clock struck midnight, giving me leverage for spreading the attention indefinitely over two days. Hooray for me and my birth!"

Is ANY birthday worthy of more than one days worth of celebrating? The short and long answer is dually "No". So stop acting like a boring, childish prick and get over it.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 50 - The Subways

So unpopular they play only two gigs per year: Reading and Leeds festival.

...Also, when did Toyah Wilcox join these talentless slugs?

Conspiracy Dreary

People that analyse the X-Factor and smugly dispense the fact that its all rigged can absolutely fuck off. How dare they point something so obvious out to people with a completely unearned look of self-assurance etched onto their boring face like they've shrewdly translated some ancient Sanskrit poetry. It makes me want to go and rescue an animal from drowning so I can set it on fire instead. Mugs

Bad genes

Jeans with that buckle thing on the back can fuck off...

It looks like it was put there so bouncers can throw people out of pubs like they're in a cartoon.

There's two things I'd rather have than a pair of these.

1. Angina
2. A criminal record

People that can Fuck Off: No. 109 - Quentin Tarantino

Please choke on an anklet so we no longer have to listen to gangs of girls spurting on about Red Bull and swing music.

Banter down the hatches

"Oh nah mate, hee'z onli muckin' abaat! Iz just a little bit ov banta ain't it! An also, wen he put 'iz finger up 'er arse on the darnsefloor, consent wernt on 'iz mind; he woz juz 'avin a laff! Banta! Iz juss Banta!!!"

Please can everyone stop using "Banter" as a get out of jail free card for vile, old fashioned attitudes. So greatly has this word been mauled by infantile traps that it now resembles nothing more than a slurred, squirt of its true meaning, a revolting hark to the chintzy attitude of seventies Britain where it was still acceptable to wear vomit-themed paisley shirts in public. We can only wish that once abusers of this term realise just how antiquated their existence has been, they resort to gaining sexual pleasure through the act of punching their own reflection...

...And remember, in twenty years time, when you're all alone in your house, suspicions of your partners fidelity orbiting your thoughts, saddened by the piss-hole eyed mutant you caught sight of in the mirror earlier on, you contemplate just how irritating you must have been for anyone who has ever spoken to you. In the end, it is all just a bit of "Banter", right?

Right?!

Badness

Suggs from Madness can fuck off...

He looks like some bewildered uncle who is staying at your house because he lost his job and always does proper smelly shits in the bathroom right before you go and have a shower.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 3 - Alan Hansen

Constantly speaks over fellow pundits, looks like a lonely crinkled scrotum.

Daily rind

People who claim the fat is the best bit on bacon can fuck off...

It's just clearly not, why would you bother saying it.

If you think it's the best bit, do yourself a favour.

1. Don't tell any one you respect as they will think you're a fucking idiot.
2. Self harm

We are family!

Families that spread all the way across a path can seriously fuck off...

...not only is it highly impractical and insanely selfish, but you also look like washed up music hall entertainers that no one wishes to hire.

And don't even consider locking this formation through the holding of hands, you are merely speeding up the hate crimes that will be ferociously acted upon you and your turgid offspring.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 88 - The Insane Clown Posse

Just fucking look at them.

Sale MUST end this Sunday...

Why MUST sales end? Sounds a bit over the top I reckon.

If your mum said 'You MUST never get in to a strangers car', you'd probably think yeah alright then. Maybe she emphasised the MUST because it's quite important. But if some bloke on the TV told me a sale MUST end this Sunday, I'd find it almost impossible to give a shit.

Remember when Eisenneger had one on the go for ages.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 12 - Lee Nelson

Like Ali G without the irony. Or the jokes.

Epic Cunt

I've had this really good idea for a game show...

It's like most task based game shows except it's got that cunt off the Direct Line adverts shouting 'Epic Win' every 22 seconds.

I'll put it on ITV because more idiots watch that channel.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 64 - George Osborne

What a total fucking earwig.

You say "Potato" she says "Potatoe" he says "Po-datoe" and I've set the kitchen on fire.

People who say "brought" instead of "bought" can honestly just fuck off...

...language is incredibly complex and potentially overwhelming if not broken down with careful consideration to the individuals learning patterns, yet, if this mutant spoonerism, this basic dialectical hurdle, this foremost facet of marriage between meaning and linguistics cannot be conquered by our highly evolved minds, then we may as well buy all of our children Golliwogs for Christmas and start shitting out of windows again. It buggers belief.

Dinner for none.

People taking photographs of their dinner and upload them to social networking sites can fuck off...

...I mean, who actually cares about seeing what you've just gobbled down your vile little neck? No one. Ever. Plus most food-snaps taken by amateur photographers resemble something closer to swill and baby vomit rather than anything discernibly edible.

And for heavens sake do not put "Nom Nom Nom" as an expression of piggy eyed satisfaction, pre/post meal. You're not a six year old attempting to express complex sensory stimulation, you're just a stupid boring wanker.

Number withheld

People who don't answer calls from withheld numbers like they are well important can fuck off...

But to be fair, imagine if you answered your phone and it was some bloke doing a survey. You would have to either do it or say no... What an ordeal.

Public service announcement

You can tell fake Simpsons merchandise from a mile off by the shade of Homer's beard. It's always too dark. He might also have his prat hanging out.

Stay vigilant.

Lady MarmaLARD

If you're a woman and you're fat, please don't dress in burlesque gear.

It doesn't make you sexy, it makes you look like a pig in fancy dress.

Business on the feet, party on the legs

People who wear jogging bottoms with shoes are either mad or proper hard.

Big Daddy, Massive Gobshite.

That kid from Big Daddy can fuck off...

What an obnoxious little cunt. No wonder his parents fucked him off.

Tell you what is a proper horrible feeling...

When someone you don't know that well tells you something they did and they think was well funny. That horrible feeling you get when you realise you are going to have to pretend you don't think they are a complete fucking knob.

'Oh once right, me and my friends were so drunk in London and we were singing Glee songs with this tramp!!'

Such idiots they aren't even worth your hatred.

Knickers

I defy any man to say the word 'knickers' in a normal conversation without sounding like a right dirty perv.

It's impossible... Don't even bother.

Creston Blumenthal

Heston Blumenthal can fuck off...

1. He always makes a bit of meat or some other shit like a deer's ground up arsehole look like a piece of fruit.
2. He loves putting stuff in liquid nitrogen like he's on one of those boring kids science shows
3. He looks like Dr. Cortex from Crash Bandicoot

Wanksy

Yeah... Well I work in the building next to the Gherkin.. Yeah it's great, the guys are such a laugh. I mean some of the business trips we get to go on are absolute carnage...

Oh really! I've just moved in up the road from there. It's a lovely place... In a block of newly built flats so yeah like ultra mod. Yeah I've got my massive flat screen TV, Me and the lads sometimes get the beers in and play a bit of Fifa... When we're not on the company account of course! Yeah it's got laminate flooring throughout, I love how it makes my whole house echo.

Yeah I love art, Banksy is my favourite. Yeah I've got these really cool canvas prints of his work in my flat. They don't really fit with the décor. But you know, they look shit in anyone's house.

Annoying inventions #3

A toilet seat that won't stay up...

Proof that fathers are radically unamusing.

The smug dad in that Hair for men advert can fuck off...

Hopefully those ties he's banging on about will be used to moor his absolute barge of a daughter to a radiator when he sets the house on fire. Any spare ties he could use to fashion a noose to hang himself with.

*I would suggest using this tie, just to inject some humour in to the situation*

Owl Murray

Making jokes about the Euro is not funny.

St. Twatrick's day

Happy St. Patrick's day everybody...

I'm going to celebrate by wearing one of those daft Guiness hats.

I will also claim to be half Irish. That always seemed like the in thing to do at school.

Yeah... universities are actually full of idiots

 

Pub golf can fuck off...

Running around endless shitty pubs dressed up like a div, downing rank concoctions whilst standing on one leg just because you want to fit in with a load of smug student bellends.

I can think of far better things to do, like walking around on all fours in a prison...

With my arse hanging out.