You are a bender / I need some lubricant... And other related jokes.

I knew today was going to be a long day when my class mates were given a tool called a 'conduit BENDER' and 'cutting LUBRICANT'.

How quickly do associated jokes for these words get old??? Not very unfortunately.

Suit Of The Loom

Tonk blokes in suits can fuck off... They look well weird. Also, their collars never sit right around their bulging muscle bound necks.

Obviously I would never say this to a tonk bloke in a suit for fear he would grind my precious skull to dust.

Using clever computer technology I have generated an image of how Arnie should look: (complete with a vest seemingly made from old pond liner)

Easter Neg

Might be a few years late with this now, but hidden tracks can still fuck off even retrospectively. Firstly they are not fucking hidden at all to anyone who knows what a fast forward button does.

Guaranteed to wake you up / shit the life out of you 20 minutes after you thought the album had finished, most hidden tracks aren't even proper songs - on Pearl Jam's Binaural, the track "Writer's Block" was simply Vedder loudly mashing the keys on a typewriter for 28 seconds. Cheers Eddie, well profound mate.

Even when the tracks are quite good, like Slipknot's "Eeyore", the fact that the artist doesn't really count it as a 'proper' track seemingly gives them licence to directly precede it with some utter nonsense as well just to spoil it - in this case, a delightful act of furious sething from a band member forced to watch scat porn. Nice.

Loads of sugar and a dirty price tag... And nothing else

Companies (i.e. Innocent Smoothies) that try and be your mate can fuck off... You're a reputable company, not some 'kooky' student trying to intice people to sign up to a univeristy wakeboarding club.

Describing nutritional information as 'The boring nutrition bit' doesn't put you on the same wavelength as the consumer, it just makes you sound like a cunt.

Loving filthy wads of money > Your apparent mission the help nature and promote healthy living.

If you are my mate, why are you charging me 2 quid for a thimble of mashed up old fruit?

Fit Young Boys @ Brixton Dogstar tonight 9pm - 3am

FILL YER BOOTS

My friends have requested some plugging for their new night in Brixton.

It's all like R&B music and stuff like that I think. Entry is £31 before midnight. All drinks are served in sandwich bags.

Or alternatively you can come to my girlfriends house and celebrate our 2 year anniversary with us??

World in awe as man jumps atlantic ocean for no reason

Yeah, extreme sports are so 'cool'.

No wait, they can fuck off... Exetreme sports is basically blokes on their late 20's who wear proper shit 'extreme brand' clothes who endevour into past times that require far to much equipment / padding / specialist equipment / locations, for something that is ultimately just well boring.

Yeah well done for trekking up a mountain with all your expensive gear and jumping down a big hole.

Extreme sports = boring middle class meat heads

Wax faced bitch drowns in own tears

People that weep when listening to someone sing can absolutely fuck off. They're either faking it, or overly dramatic pricks that are irritatingly emotional. Either way I hope they eventually die due to an undiscovered heart defect.

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases

 
People who poke their tongue out and look like they're about to seth when they cough can fuck off... It looks so rank.

Also... The sound of children coughing is revolting

World in shock as ugly celeb daughter does not pursue modelling career

Firstly... Pixie Geldof IS Adrian Chiles... So I'm basicly saying she Is a fat man with eyebrows that look fit to collapse.

Secondly... Pixie Geldof, her sister and her dad can all fuck off. If I was Paula Yates I would have done myself in aswell.

A great big MUG in a mug

Those girls who see one of their friends and hold their arms out for a hug despite being about 10 metres away from them can fuck off.

Yeah maybe if they were long lost lovers meeting outside a Paris Metro station on warm summers night... But outside The Ivory Lounge... Fuck you.

Fuck Norris

Those Chuck Norris jokes can fuck right off... I really don't even need to explain why.

If I worked in an office and someone sent me a 'work email' of Chuck Norris jokes, I would quit.

Also... His eyes are well too close together.

College quote of the day pt1

I will probably start making this a regular thing as there are some utterly astounding comments made in my class on a daily basis.

Today's quote:

'Bin Laden and his boys got it all wrong... They should have flown those planes into some clubs full of fucking faggots'