The first rule of Fight Club is... Don't be a prick

Have you ever had some prat jabber on at you about a fight he once got into? It's annoying isn't it! Especially when they pretend to punch and kick you whilst describing it.

We will shortly be arriving at the end of your temper...

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; Cancel 2 trains in a row then South Eastern Rail can fuck off.

I wish South Eastern Rail was a dog I could stamp to death.

I enjoy walks on the beach and flattering camera angles

The top 4 most misused words on dating web sites:

1. Bubbly - Annoying
2. Athletic - No tits
3. Curvy - Fat
4. Kooky - Dull

It's not just a turd, it's one of the most desperate metaphors we use

I despise the way the word 'tools' has been bastardised from its construction industry roots for use in ponsy, entirely theory based pursuits such as psychotherapy and marketing to project a veneer of working class gravitas.

The Children's Workforce Development Council prise open their toolboxes each day to reveal the following items of real practical use in a maintenance environment:

cup of tea
bag of crisps
piece of plasticine
dolls house

Ol' Brown Eyes - Brown being the colour of shit

Remember when Robbie Williams and Westlife thought they were the Rat Pack? What a bunch of fucking mugs.

Just because you haven't done your tie up doesn't make you Sammy Davis Junior.

Get fucked.

Poll reveals 100% of girls actually think Lynx smells of shit

Lynx and their Spotify ads can fuck right off. Why would you bother playing a game of keeping Keeley Hazzel interested in you, when you can quite easily skip to the end and see a video of her sucking a cock rocket lolly.

Snobby Cinematography Prats

People who come out with shit like "Oh I thought it was rubbish... have you seen the Japanese original? its so much better" are gargantuan pricks. First of all mate, you work in boots, I couldn't give a fuck about your views on western adaptations of Japanese Cinema. Secondly, the original was shit too, you offensively boring dolt

I'm in the mood for dancing... But not with a man!

Coleen Nolan can fuck off. Having a vagina doesn't give you the right to speak for every woman.

Get your dusty old chuff off my TV.

London underground... A depressing sub-terrainian world

 If you are on a tube and you have the nerve to think you can stand up and read a newspaper without holding onto a rail then you can fuck off. I hope a pickpocket steals your Blackberry whilst you stumble around the train like a fucking dunce.

No one has ever done this... People will literally shit themselves when I do this

Desperate nitwit + Facebook + Married to *friends name* = Fuck off

"It kicks like a sleep twitch!" - Ian Curtis (2009)

Adverts that boast about their prices being under 'X' value, when they're actually priced a mere penny below that.

e.g. "This new 800 inch plasma TV wall, now under £200", when on screen, it's clearly priced at £199.99.

First, if you're gonna say under, at least make it a worthy fucking reduction, and second, fuck off and just sell it for £200!

ACDC set to play Mick Jagger Centre

You know when guitarists run from one side of the stage to the other whilst playing... That is naff!

Babiez Meanz Heinz

 

If you aren't a child and you eat rusks then you can fuck off...I hope you eat a rusk at work in front of your boss and get sacked.

You know what? I don't think Dartford can get an worse...

 

"Yeah I saw it in The Sun it's all these fuckin' Poles gettin' the jobs!"

   
timmymalletcanfuckoff

Don't mess with the spread!

Me and my dad were plastering a house in Maidstone today.

The bloke who lived next door was also a plasterer and decided to come round and moan at us about not getting asked to do the job. It's probably because he was a fucking dunce!!

Every time I go there this week I will feel smug knowing he has probably missed his mortgage payment this month.

That one is funny... but lets do 300 more just incase!

Photobooth can fuck off... Just look through the photos of someone you didn't like at school who added you on facebook and you'll see why.

The Borough of Tilbury State Circus

"Me mum says I get a fifty quid for an A, twenty quid for a B 

and a tenner for a C on me GSCEs!"

Remember when fat divvy girls used to wear these necklaces?? I bet Cash4Gold is awash with these gruesome artifacts now.

I wonder if there is a medical term for thick peoples inability to manage finance?

Lets get 'fuct up'

Do you want to know why these girls can fuck off??

Check out THIS VIDEO!!!

Thanks viral media for this trio of fucking awful slatterns

Not even your home made guitar can save you this time Brian!

 

Go on... do the stonk, it's for Comic Relief. Do it or some kid from Bedford with cystic fibrosis won't get any new cups to cough up his mucus into.

Badlands neckwear

Mum, I'm just off out to get a Famous Stars and Straps tattoo

Desert scarves can fuck off... I used to wear one until someone very close to me told me I looked like a cunt wearing it.

Although it will set off your straw trilby right nice at V Festival this year.

Cola unveils new slightly better tasting Coke with £499.99 price tag

Well this one comes in a wooden box 

so it might not make me gag!

Spirit connoisseurs can fuck off...

Especially the uni student types. Yeah alrite... next time I'm sitting on the floor in some shitty university house party drinking vodka and Asda own brand tonic water out of a plastic cup, I'll be sure to buy a bottle of Grey Goose!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Love according to Facebook

 

Yeah, go on... Fuck off!!

Why is it so hard to walk away from someone who hurt you so bad???

Get ready for a whole load of cunt.

Alex Dudfield from Pitsea was kind enough to sumbit this poem:

y is so hrd 2 say goodbye?
u wnt 2 say it, bt break down n cry,
the pain you feel, it's hard to cope,
but we live in a world full of hope,
so although its hard, chin up its ok, 
its there loss, there the one that walked away...

Yeah... Cheers

Alex's relationship status: Single

Wish you were her!

http://www.fhm.com/girls/high-street-honeys/hayley%20xxx

She looks like she used to be Sylvester Stallone.

I bet I know what you're thinking... And you're right. Her tits do look

a lot like Kilroy's nose!! 

                    

Hayley's current position: 214

Funded by the Jimmy Page shit film music foundation

Dear Lupe Fiasco,

NERD and Puff Daddy have done it and it was shit... So get rid of that rock music and fuck off

Fire in the hole!

Firearms experts on tv shows can fuck off... Smug pricks

*slang term for penis* Van *slang term for homosexual*

*slang term for penis* Van *slang term for homosexual*

The word 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' can fuck off... It is solely reserved for smug little girls who think singing and dancing is well good.