How to fix your turntable

I have kindly decided to share with you the BEST and ONLY way of fixing a turntable that spins at (in my case) 35 rpm. The next best option is to buy a turntable that isn't cheap and shit.

Sorry Julian.

I have been boycotting Amazon ever since the whole Wikileaks scandal, but then I found a Darkel LP I wanted on there for a reasonable sum.

So when someone asks me what price I would put on my beliefs and morals I can tell them...

£12.57 inc.P&P

Annoying inventions #2

An empty fire extinguisher.

The wanky city worker bar, just off Fleet Street.

Bars that give you your change back on a little dish can fuck off...

I know i've just been ripped off. You know you've just ripped me off. This little dish doesn't make up for that, nor does it make you some classy upmarket establishment.

If you like little change dishes and standing in a bar full of cunts with no atmoshpere, try the following. Invite all your friends out one night, have a living wake for yourself then go home and hang yourself. If someone tries to change your mind, literally don't have any of it.

Drive By Gawping

Those people who get in a car and suddenly feel a bit hard and think they can just stare you out as you walk past can fuck off...

Next time someone does this to you, follow them and key their car whilst they are sitting in it. If they get out to tell you off... key their face... with a broken bottle.

Annoying inventions #1

A hole punch that has the punches set just far apart enough that the paper will not fit in any ring binders.

You would be fuming.

Dem Komposahz

Eggs on the beach

Going to the beach can fuck off...

1. It's well hot
2. It's covered in sand
3. There's loads of little gobshites running around everywhere in those stupid hats with the neck cover on
4. you have to put sun cream on
5. Parents let their kids piss in that bit up the back where all that grass grows through the sand
6. There's too many fat people who aren't ashamed of themselves enough to not wear bikinis / never leave their house.
7. Sometimes beaches proper stink