Tell you what is a proper horrible feeling...

When someone you don't know that well tells you something they did and they think was well funny. That horrible feeling you get when you realise you are going to have to pretend you don't think they are a complete fucking knob.

'Oh once right, me and my friends were so drunk in London and we were singing Glee songs with this tramp!!'

Such idiots they aren't even worth your hatred.

Knickers

I defy any man to say the word 'knickers' in a normal conversation without sounding like a right dirty perv.

It's impossible... Don't even bother.

Creston Blumenthal

Heston Blumenthal can fuck off...

1. He always makes a bit of meat or some other shit like a deer's ground up arsehole look like a piece of fruit.
2. He loves putting stuff in liquid nitrogen like he's on one of those boring kids science shows
3. He looks like Dr. Cortex from Crash Bandicoot

Wanksy

Yeah... Well I work in the building next to the Gherkin.. Yeah it's great, the guys are such a laugh. I mean some of the business trips we get to go on are absolute carnage...

Oh really! I've just moved in up the road from there. It's a lovely place... In a block of newly built flats so yeah like ultra mod. Yeah I've got my massive flat screen TV, Me and the lads sometimes get the beers in and play a bit of Fifa... When we're not on the company account of course! Yeah it's got laminate flooring throughout, I love how it makes my whole house echo.

Yeah I love art, Banksy is my favourite. Yeah I've got these really cool canvas prints of his work in my flat. They don't really fit with the décor. But you know, they look shit in anyone's house.

Annoying inventions #3

A toilet seat that won't stay up...