Halloweiner

The wet fart of cultural excitement that contemporary Britain pathetically tries to simulate during specific calendar events, can one hundred percent fuck off.

Cynically impoverished pedantry runs head first into lazy and unconvincing dress up with egregiously shit results, most noticeable seen on the official pagan/capitalist arsewiping day, Halloween. Watching throngs of feckless gobshites rubbing talc on their faces in an attempt to justify giving them sweets is honestly about as convincing as Brian Blessed eating some lipstick and claiming to be the perfect body double for Scarlett Johansson.

Any persons found participating in these absolute Mickey Mouse imitations should be subjected to a criminal blast of radiation to the groin, ceasing their ability to reproduce. Ideally this will result in the men frothing painful, two-headed sperm and the women laying giant boiled eggs.

People that can Fuck off: No. 49 Davina McCall

Consistently baffles human beings with an onslaught of verbal diarrhoea and facial tics. Looks like the after effect of feeding a horse five grams of MDMA and kicking it in the vagina.

#Getfucked

I wish people that post twitter updates outside of twitter would just go fuck themselves. It's somewhat admirable for Twitter to try and restrict people's absolute drivel to 140 characters, so if I wanted to listen to the concise yet ultimately fucking boring musings of a dullard, I'd subscribe to you on there, stop plastering it everywhere else. Oh and if you're the sort of person that uses hashtags outside of twitter, cease immediately. It's not edgy or clever, its you erroneously using proprietary meta-code. Re-read that last sentence, think about how fucking stupid that sounds and then have a word with yourself, you annoying little prick.

#prat

Dream On You Fucking Mug

People that sit there and painfully bleat on about a dream they've had can get fucked. There is honestly nothing more boring than a dull person ineloquently describing uninteresting events that haven't actually happened to people you've never met, so stop doing it you absolute fucking prats.

I hope these people get wrongfully accused of a gravely serious crime

Dicks Form

Boys who go to a girls school sixth form and suddenly think they are the shit can fuck off...

You can't just whack on a Burton suit, plonk yourself in amongst a load of teenage girls and think you're Hugh Hefner. He had to spend a while breaking down insecure women's self asteem before they would have a go on his doddering old witchetty grub.

I'm releasing a book next week about sixth form boys who are the first person at school to get a car. I tried to post it on here but the blogspot servers simply weren't having it.

People that can Fuck off: No. 75 Andrew Stone

Glitzy epitome for the delusional, brains-like-pigeon-shit masses. Obsesses pointlessly over own celebrity status: resembles a camp terracotta pot wearing lipstick and combat trousers.

Ice Ice Baby

Ice Skating.

There doesn't need any further explanation.

Stools out for summer

The smell of primary school toilets can most definitely fuck off...

Remember that milky concoction of loose child stools and illuminous floor cleaner that wafted forcefully into your face once the door had merely been looked at?

Awful.

If you don't recall this so greatly, here's a fun and easy way to emulate the sensation: drill a large hole in the bottom of a bucket, put your head inside the bucket, pour disinfectant through the hole, soil yourself.

Feels fairly accurate* I'd say.

*For those who were traumatised in their primary school toilets and wish for a more authentic simulation: subtract trousers, add pacifier.

TV's guide to insanity. Part 2

Insanity checklist:

1. Start laughing then suddenly turn it in to crying
2. Plaster loads of old newspaper and magazine cuttings on your walls
3. Scratch the eyes out of loved ones on family photos
4. Sit on the floor in the shower and cry

Congratulations, you are now insane.

Unfortunately you will never be as insane as Paul Nicholls in Eastenders.

Being this annoying is no mean feet.

Groups of women who insist on taking photos of their feet can completely fuck off.

I already consider drunk women to be among the most boring and irritating creatures in existence, yet their coup de grâce of absolute clownshoes behaviour is confirming just how dull their time together is by uploading overexposed, camera-phone quality pictures of their feet in a circle. Nobody wants to see pictures of your mucky little hooves you disgusting cunts

Happy Birthday to you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you...

That time of year again? Birthday celebrations all round!

"I know, seeing as my birthday falls on a Thursday and I'm already going out that night with my family, lets celebrate it properly on Friday! A proper booze up right!? We'll get everybody out and paint the town red! Hooray! Actually, come to think about it, my other half has got a big party planned on Sunday for other family members who couldn't make it Thursday, so... we might as well just extend the celebration, right? Great, a four day birthday! We'll make sure anyone who can't make it Thursday, Friday or Sunday can get down for a drink and a dance on Saturday... And also I might have a pre-birthday drink on Wednesday. I was technically born exactly as the clock struck midnight, giving me leverage for spreading the attention indefinitely over two days. Hooray for me and my birth!"

Is ANY birthday worthy of more than one days worth of celebrating? The short and long answer is dually "No". So stop acting like a boring, childish prick and get over it.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 50 - The Subways

So unpopular they play only two gigs per year: Reading and Leeds festival.

...Also, when did Toyah Wilcox join these talentless slugs?

Conspiracy Dreary

People that analyse the X-Factor and smugly dispense the fact that its all rigged can absolutely fuck off. How dare they point something so obvious out to people with a completely unearned look of self-assurance etched onto their boring face like they've shrewdly translated some ancient Sanskrit poetry. It makes me want to go and rescue an animal from drowning so I can set it on fire instead. Mugs

Bad genes

Jeans with that buckle thing on the back can fuck off...

It looks like it was put there so bouncers can throw people out of pubs like they're in a cartoon.

There's two things I'd rather have than a pair of these.

1. Angina
2. A criminal record

People that can Fuck Off: No. 109 - Quentin Tarantino

Please choke on an anklet so we no longer have to listen to gangs of girls spurting on about Red Bull and swing music.

Banter down the hatches

"Oh nah mate, hee'z onli muckin' abaat! Iz just a little bit ov banta ain't it! An also, wen he put 'iz finger up 'er arse on the darnsefloor, consent wernt on 'iz mind; he woz juz 'avin a laff! Banta! Iz juss Banta!!!"

Please can everyone stop using "Banter" as a get out of jail free card for vile, old fashioned attitudes. So greatly has this word been mauled by infantile traps that it now resembles nothing more than a slurred, squirt of its true meaning, a revolting hark to the chintzy attitude of seventies Britain where it was still acceptable to wear vomit-themed paisley shirts in public. We can only wish that once abusers of this term realise just how antiquated their existence has been, they resort to gaining sexual pleasure through the act of punching their own reflection...

...And remember, in twenty years time, when you're all alone in your house, suspicions of your partners fidelity orbiting your thoughts, saddened by the piss-hole eyed mutant you caught sight of in the mirror earlier on, you contemplate just how irritating you must have been for anyone who has ever spoken to you. In the end, it is all just a bit of "Banter", right?

Right?!

Badness

Suggs from Madness can fuck off...

He looks like some bewildered uncle who is staying at your house because he lost his job and always does proper smelly shits in the bathroom right before you go and have a shower.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 3 - Alan Hansen

Constantly speaks over fellow pundits, looks like a lonely crinkled scrotum.