Originality... We don't want to give you that!

People who think '50-50', 'Is that your final answer' and 'Do you want to phone a friend' are in any way funny can fuck off... It's the sort of humour you would expect from repugnant patrons of ITV.

ITV is basicly what you would find in Kerry Katona's head if someone kindly smashed her skull open.

Mug on the Tyne

Paul Gascoigne is such a waste of time. His hair is lighter than his skin. Blokes stopped bleaching their hair in the 90's. If we wasn't perpetually munted he would probably have realised this by now.

Butter was never ment for the fridge

I'm really looking forward to summer... It's the only time of year that butter is soft enough to spread on a sandwich without it tearing the bread apart. Unless you put butter in the fridge like a wally.

That little white stick you put in your mouth

 'Do you have them in a size 8?'

People who call cigarettes cancer sticks can fuck off...

I'd rather smoke a leper's cock than be friends with some gimp who says things like that.

Bing - When only unrelated search results will do.

That bloke in the Bing advert can fuck off. Also... Bing can fuck off.

Bing is to Google what Marks and Spencer's Coke is to real Coke.

Grub... Grub changes everything

Have you seen how fat Michael Ball is these days! He has literally had two arses stuck onto either side of his head. He could keep his credit cards in those smug creases on his face.

1/1 odds from Ladbrokes on Michael Ball appearing in the next 'celebrity come dine with me'.

Come see how boring I am

'Oh she's wearing a funny t-shirt!'

Anchorman quotes... They got old about half hour after the film finished. Tragically not everyone has realised this. Those people can fuck off.

TV's guide to insanity

Acting insane checklist:

1. Unkept hair
2. Unnecessery laughter
3. Frantic scribbling / painting
4. Descent in to madness must take less that 5 hours

Congratulations you are now insane... Now you can get a part in Skins.

Did you see the game last night?

 

Office 'lad' checklist:

1. Calendar / newspaper cutting of Lucy Pinder
2. Send joke emails
3. Turn other's comments into sexual innuendos
4. Spout generic sporting interest comments to colleagues
5. Find Top Gear 'brilliant'

Congratulations, you are now an office lad! Now take your PC power cable and hang yourself in the stationary cupboard.

Your booking for the London open-top bus tour has been confirmed

 

Couples who wear matching raincoats are idiots...

Oh my god... They killed komedy!

'Oh my friend does the best impression of Cartman from South Park!'

Yeah well your mate can fuck off. Infact anyone who does Cartman impressions can fuck off.

The average human has five hundred eyes

People who think shoutting out the wrong answer to a multiple choice question deliberately is funny can fuck off.

How many eyes does a human being have?
A: 3
B: 2
C: 500


'Uh it's C... HAHAHAHAHA'

They should be sterilised at birth and forced to spend their lives eating excess landfill.

Funky Lush Sexy R&B vapid shit night @ Zens this Saturday

Clubs that have gender specific promotions can fuck off...

Yeah let the girls in for free and stuff their foul gullets with 6 free Orange Reef's. Oh I get it... now all the blokes will want to come into your club and spend lots of money in the hope of getting to finger some fat, drunk slag wearing a pair of angel wings.

P.S - People who go to clubs with a shoes only policy should be made to watch their loved ones suffer at the hands of Chechen rebels

The first annual TTCFO abrasive crisp awards

 'Yo Tangy. I'm really happy for you, I'm going to let you finish, but 

Walkers MAX had one of the best crinkle cuts of all time.'

Cleverly placed on the calender as to not over shadow the Brit awards, it's time for the TTCFO abrasive crisp awards.

Please submit the name of the crisps you think are most abrasive with a brief description as to why they are a worthy candidate.

The winner will receive a genuine hamster skull.

Squeeze one out for good luck eh?

Today a pigeon kindly decided to shit all down my arm at college. It had the viscosity of a fat Dartfordian lout's excrement after Weatherspoons Curry Club night.

Pigeons... Natures longhead

Also... Pelicans look like idiots

50% less salt, 100% less flavour

It was a sad day when Knorr, a company that had made it's name selling wads of boullion-flecked salt paste to people who couldn't be arsed to make proper stock (i.e. everyone), announced in 2005 that they had pandered to the Government health fascists and reduced sodium levels in Pot Noodles by a frankly suicidal 50%.

The result was predictably awful - eaten as bought, they now have only slightly more taste than a Gerry McCann cover of Schools Out - and preparation of the post pub delight has never been as straightforward since the need to remember to re-add half a tablespoon of salt to the little plastic cauldron before serving.