TV's guide to insanity. Part 2

Insanity checklist:

1. Start laughing then suddenly turn it in to crying
2. Plaster loads of old newspaper and magazine cuttings on your walls
3. Scratch the eyes out of loved ones on family photos
4. Sit on the floor in the shower and cry

Congratulations, you are now insane.

Unfortunately you will never be as insane as Paul Nicholls in Eastenders.

Being this annoying is no mean feet.

Groups of women who insist on taking photos of their feet can completely fuck off.

I already consider drunk women to be among the most boring and irritating creatures in existence, yet their coup de grâce of absolute clownshoes behaviour is confirming just how dull their time together is by uploading overexposed, camera-phone quality pictures of their feet in a circle. Nobody wants to see pictures of your mucky little hooves you disgusting cunts

Happy Birthday to you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you-you...

That time of year again? Birthday celebrations all round!

"I know, seeing as my birthday falls on a Thursday and I'm already going out that night with my family, lets celebrate it properly on Friday! A proper booze up right!? We'll get everybody out and paint the town red! Hooray! Actually, come to think about it, my other half has got a big party planned on Sunday for other family members who couldn't make it Thursday, so... we might as well just extend the celebration, right? Great, a four day birthday! We'll make sure anyone who can't make it Thursday, Friday or Sunday can get down for a drink and a dance on Saturday... And also I might have a pre-birthday drink on Wednesday. I was technically born exactly as the clock struck midnight, giving me leverage for spreading the attention indefinitely over two days. Hooray for me and my birth!"

Is ANY birthday worthy of more than one days worth of celebrating? The short and long answer is dually "No". So stop acting like a boring, childish prick and get over it.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 50 - The Subways

So unpopular they play only two gigs per year: Reading and Leeds festival.

...Also, when did Toyah Wilcox join these talentless slugs?

Conspiracy Dreary

People that analyse the X-Factor and smugly dispense the fact that its all rigged can absolutely fuck off. How dare they point something so obvious out to people with a completely unearned look of self-assurance etched onto their boring face like they've shrewdly translated some ancient Sanskrit poetry. It makes me want to go and rescue an animal from drowning so I can set it on fire instead. Mugs

Bad genes

Jeans with that buckle thing on the back can fuck off...

It looks like it was put there so bouncers can throw people out of pubs like they're in a cartoon.

There's two things I'd rather have than a pair of these.

1. Angina
2. A criminal record

People that can Fuck Off: No. 109 - Quentin Tarantino

Please choke on an anklet so we no longer have to listen to gangs of girls spurting on about Red Bull and swing music.

Banter down the hatches

"Oh nah mate, hee'z onli muckin' abaat! Iz just a little bit ov banta ain't it! An also, wen he put 'iz finger up 'er arse on the darnsefloor, consent wernt on 'iz mind; he woz juz 'avin a laff! Banta! Iz juss Banta!!!"

Please can everyone stop using "Banter" as a get out of jail free card for vile, old fashioned attitudes. So greatly has this word been mauled by infantile traps that it now resembles nothing more than a slurred, squirt of its true meaning, a revolting hark to the chintzy attitude of seventies Britain where it was still acceptable to wear vomit-themed paisley shirts in public. We can only wish that once abusers of this term realise just how antiquated their existence has been, they resort to gaining sexual pleasure through the act of punching their own reflection...

...And remember, in twenty years time, when you're all alone in your house, suspicions of your partners fidelity orbiting your thoughts, saddened by the piss-hole eyed mutant you caught sight of in the mirror earlier on, you contemplate just how irritating you must have been for anyone who has ever spoken to you. In the end, it is all just a bit of "Banter", right?

Right?!

Badness

Suggs from Madness can fuck off...

He looks like some bewildered uncle who is staying at your house because he lost his job and always does proper smelly shits in the bathroom right before you go and have a shower.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 3 - Alan Hansen

Constantly speaks over fellow pundits, looks like a lonely crinkled scrotum.