Friday, 26 February 2010
The first rule of Fight Club is... Don't be a prick
Have you ever had some prat jabber on at you about a fight he once got into? It's annoying isn't it! Especially when they pretend to punch and kick you whilst describing it.
We will shortly be arriving at the end of your temper...
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; Cancel 2 trains in a row then South Eastern Rail can fuck off.
I wish South Eastern Rail was a dog I could stamp to death.
Thursday, 25 February 2010
I enjoy walks on the beach and flattering camera angles
The top 4 most misused words on dating web sites:
1. Bubbly - Annoying
2. Athletic - No tits
3. Curvy - Fat
4. Kooky - Dull
1. Bubbly - Annoying
2. Athletic - No tits
3. Curvy - Fat
4. Kooky - Dull
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
It's not just a turd, it's one of the most desperate metaphors we use
I despise the way the word 'tools' has been bastardised from its construction industry roots for use in ponsy, entirely theory based pursuits such as psychotherapy and marketing to project a veneer of working class gravitas.
The Children's Workforce Development Council prise open their toolboxes each day to reveal the following items of real practical use in a maintenance environment:
cup of tea
bag of crisps
piece of plasticine
dolls house
Ol' Brown Eyes - Brown being the colour of shit
Remember when Robbie Williams and Westlife thought they were the Rat Pack? What a bunch of fucking mugs.
Just because you haven't done your tie up doesn't make you Sammy Davis Junior.
Get fucked.
Poll reveals 100% of girls actually think Lynx smells of shit
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Snobby Cinematography Prats
People who come out with shit like "Oh I thought it was rubbish... have you seen the Japanese original? its so much better" are gargantuan pricks. First of all mate, you work in boots, I couldn't give a fuck about your views on western adaptations of Japanese Cinema. Secondly, the original was shit too, you offensively boring dolt
I'm in the mood for dancing... But not with a man!
Coleen Nolan can fuck off. Having a vagina doesn't give you the right to speak for every woman.
Get your dusty old chuff off my TV.
Monday, 22 February 2010
London underground... A depressing sub-terrainian world
If you are on a tube and you have the nerve to think you can stand up and read a newspaper without holding onto a rail then you can fuck off. I hope a pickpocket steals your Blackberry whilst you stumble around the train like a fucking dunce.
Friday, 19 February 2010
"It kicks like a sleep twitch!" - Ian Curtis (2009)
Adverts that boast about their prices being under 'X' value, when they're actually priced a mere penny below that.
e.g. "This new 800 inch plasma TV wall, now under £200", when on screen, it's clearly priced at £199.99.
First, if you're gonna say under, at least make it a worthy fucking reduction, and second, fuck off and just sell it for £200!
Thursday, 18 February 2010
ACDC set to play Mick Jagger Centre
You know when guitarists run from one side of the stage to the other whilst playing... That is naff!
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Babiez Meanz Heinz
If you aren't a child and you eat rusks then you can fuck off...I hope you eat a rusk at work in front of your boss and get sacked.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Monday, 15 February 2010
Don't mess with the spread!
Me and my dad were plastering a house in Maidstone today.
The bloke who lived next door was also a plasterer and decided to come round and moan at us about not getting asked to do the job. It's probably because he was a fucking dunce!!
Every time I go there this week I will feel smug knowing he has probably missed his mortgage payment this month.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
That one is funny... but lets do 300 more just incase!
Photobooth can fuck off... Just look through the photos of someone you didn't like at school who added you on facebook and you'll see why.
Friday, 12 February 2010
The Borough of Tilbury State Circus
"Me mum says I get a fifty quid for an A, twenty quid for a B
and a tenner for a C on me GSCEs!"
Remember when fat divvy girls used to wear these necklaces?? I bet Cash4Gold is awash with these gruesome artifacts now.
I wonder if there is a medical term for thick peoples inability to manage finance?
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Lets get 'fuct up'
Do you want to know why these girls can fuck off??
Check out THIS VIDEO!!!
Thanks viral media for this trio of fucking awful slatterns
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Not even your home made guitar can save you this time Brian!
Go on... do the stonk, it's for Comic Relief. Do it or some kid from Bedford with cystic fibrosis won't get any new cups to cough up his mucus into.
Badlands neckwear
Mum, I'm just off out to get a Famous Stars and Straps tattoo
Desert scarves can fuck off... I used to wear one until someone very close to me told me I looked like a cunt wearing it.
Although it will set off your straw trilby right nice at V Festival this year.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Cola unveils new slightly better tasting Coke with £499.99 price tag
Well this one comes in a wooden box
so it might not make me gag!
Spirit connoisseurs can fuck off...
Especially the uni student types. Yeah alrite... next time I'm sitting on the floor in some shitty university house party drinking vodka and Asda own brand tonic water out of a plastic cup, I'll be sure to buy a bottle of Grey Goose!
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... Love according to Facebook
Yeah, go on... Fuck off!!
Why is it so hard to walk away from someone who hurt you so bad???
Get ready for a whole load of cunt.Alex Dudfield from Pitsea was kind enough to sumbit this poem:
y is so hrd 2 say goodbye?
u wnt 2 say it, bt break down n cry,
the pain you feel, it's hard to cope,
but we live in a world full of hope,
so although its hard, chin up its ok,
its there loss, there the one that walked away...
Yeah... Cheers
Alex's relationship status: Single
Monday, 8 February 2010
Wish you were her!
http://www.fhm.com/girls/high-street-honeys/hayley%20xxx
She looks like she used to be Sylvester Stallone.
Hayley's current position: 214
She looks like she used to be Sylvester Stallone.
I bet I know what you're thinking... And you're right. Her tits do look
a lot like Kilroy's nose!!
Funded by the Jimmy Page shit film music foundation
Dear Lupe Fiasco,
NERD and Puff Daddy have done it and it was shit... So get rid of that rock music and fuck off
Thursday, 4 February 2010
*slang term for penis* Van *slang term for homosexual*
The word 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' can fuck off... It is solely reserved for smug little girls who think singing and dancing is well good.
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