People that can Fuck Off: No. 4 + 5 - Chris Moyles, Comedy Dave

Never has such damning evidence of man making a pact with Satan been witnessed. According to Radio One, all a person needs to earn the £££,£££'s that these pair of smug tits do, is feel zero remorse towards playing plastic-pop music and be able to natter aimlessly on about celebrities and Fern Cotton's shit hair for a few hours.

Chris Moyles = Should quit DJing and open a greasy spoon in Putney. As is intended.

Comedy Dave = Has jeopardised the word "comedy". Will hopefully be stoned to death by yobs.

Peri-Peri-Pratt

Nando's can fuck off...

I'm sorry, but when is basically doing everything yourself bar actually cooking the food, acceptable when you've gone out for a meal?

Clearly Nando's is not a restaurant, even if the big fat hens at the top do think so. The sheer cheek to expect you to cough up grotesque amounts of spondulicks for some battery chicken in pitta or rancid, dusty olives is criminal.

Bullshit.

Plus who decided that the tiny wooden cockerel on a stick, which blankly wobbles in it's condiment holster like a disregarded Xmas cracker trinket, was a sufficient means of deciding who has and who hasn't been served? A fucking child with no head could have constructed a better method.

bonediseaseforyourchildren.com/fuckoff.html

People who say expressions such as "confused.com!" or "bored.com!" or add .com, .org, .net, .whatbloodyever, to the end of their speech, can do everyone a favour and fucking rot...

Don't act as if this is some witty idiom or form of contemporary, self-knowing slang. It isn't. And if you are ever tempted to say this, stop yourself and consider, that if you continue, how much of a hollowed out vulgar titfuck of a person you would instantly become.

Here's an example, to expel the myth surrounding this particular phrase:

"This Wetherspoons sucks: BORED DOT COM!!!"

Translation

"This Wetherspoons sucks: I AM LONELY AND DESPERATE FOR PEOPLE TO FIND ME FUNNY AND LIKABLE I DRINK TO BECOME UNINHIBITED AND MOMENTARILY GAIN SUFFICIENT FUEL TO FILL THE DECAPITATED SENSE OF ISOLATION I HAVE THROUGH A WATERY SPIRIT AND OVERLY HAIRY BACK AND EARS I AM ONLY CAPABLE OF REGURGITATING ADVERTISEMENT GARBAGE TO ESTABLISH A LEVELLED PLAYING FIELD WITH MY PEERS IN WHICH THERE IS NO FEAR OF NOT CONNECTING WITH ONE ANOTHER SECRETLY I HARBOUR BIZARRE REPRESSED FANTASIES ABOUT POLIO I HAVE MASTURBATED IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY PORTRAIT MANY TIMES AND I CRY LOADS AND LOADS"

Also... Guess what?

That's right! You are officially in the top 15 most hated people on the planet, just below the Croydon tram racist and Kim Jong-il, but just above Gary Glitter and the entire contents of Essex.

Pro-choice

Children who insist on swinging around the vertical hand rails on the tube can fuck off...

Cheers for making me feel awkward and having to give that polite 'kids will be kids' smile to your mum when you bump in to me. That smile really means 'I hope your child gets bullied at school'.

Why weren't you just aborted you snivelling arseholes.

People that can Fuck off: No. 22 Yannis from Foals

Next time you see him on television (which, quite frankly isn't going to be any time soon) take a very deep breath. One can gather the faint woody smell of a hollow head housing a tiny lego brick of a brain, whilst deep, untamed lashings of self satisfaction fuse powerfully with the fetid waft of pig shit and afterbirth.

We recommend serving Yannis with a light fish supper.

When I'm cleaning windows/catching a glimpse of your dirty pillows

Unscrupulous window cleaners who insist on cleaning your windows at the most inappropriate times can basically suck a hot stone and get fucked...

...I recon these hulking washers purposefully wait until they see people strolling about their homes in the nip or as they embrace a loved one for a sly piece of morning honey fun, rather than at sensible cleaning times when the house is most likely to be empty... Or, actually, maybe never, seeing as I am pretty sure I didn't ask for you to invade my property and then charge me for a job I could probably do myself in the first place.

Instead, the loud clatter of cheap wooden ladders, the whistling of Radio One slurry such as "Riverside (motherfucker)" and the conducting of boring conversations via speaker phone to equally boring people, greet the great British public each morning. Hearing this utter cacophony at 7am as you attempt to rouse your soiled body for another day of work, is about as energising as having a potty full of cold piss thrown over your head and a squeegee rammed up your arse.

Torture.

I've caught the window cleaner down my road have a proper good old look at me as I practised my single fisted drumming today. Weird, I thought it'd take a little longer than two days to warrant a re-clean of all the windows. Front and back. Inside and out.

Suppose the least I can offer him is a cup of tea and a dip in the biscuit barrel.

Wake up. Now fuck off

People that use "sleeps" as a unit of time measurement are mugs of the highest order. Counting down your excitement for a forthcoming event by describing it as "6 sleeps away" doesn't make you sound whimsical and cute, it makes you sound like some sort of irritatingly puerile, moronic Native Indian Chief. If you like, I can arrange for everything to be one big sleep away, by stoving your stupid fucking head in with a brick.

Dickhead

Big twats

People who knock about with wild animals can fuck off...

No matter how much you think you have a bond with a deadly animal, be assured that one day it will tear your throat off and not give two shits about it.

Why do wild animal lovers always have loads of pockets on their clothes and shit hoop earings?

Smile for the... actually, don't bother.

People who stick their tongue out in photographs can definitely fuck off...

...why is there such an insistence for people to pop out their tongues as a photo is being taken? Do they think it's saucy? Cheeky? Funny? A combination of all three?

Seeing a moist starfish arm coyly poking out from between puckered lips is nothing short of stomach turning. So stop it. Honestly it makes you look like you've got a cat's arse, one which is perpetually shitting out a razor slither of wet gammon, glued to your face. It most certainly doesn't make you appear like the fun lovin' and good humoured scamp, rather just an unimaginative knob with all the charisma of a pile of rotting whelks.

Note: This act is most often witnessed at working class bachelorette parties. This is where a gaggle of trollops, most of whom resemble a pile of cheap offal stuffed awkwardly into a sequinned boob tube, stand about getting pissed, wearing plastic tiaras and pound shop "L" plates. These groups are highly irritating and should be avoided at all costs by those with weak heart conditions, epilepsy and basic cognitive ability.

14 Across: female sex organ - horrible human (4)

People who classify puzzles as recreation can fuck off...

...this statement should set off alarm bells, for any persons believing that the rearrangment of letters and numbers into a logically defined uniform via specifically established criteria is a legitimate form of recreation, undeniably confirms them to be embossed with the hallmark, "Boring Sod". Through their twee barley water existence and inability to fully craft their own opinions, it is in fact these smudges who are causing the demise of western civilisation. Rather than flagellate the swarms of young hunchbacks who congregate like a flock of cross birds, turn and look to the people with personalities as full and rich as a bombed out Zimbabwean supermarket. They are the true apocalypse.

If you are someone who does disagrees with this frankly spot on entry, here is a complex anagram to keep your insightful mind ticking over: ILLK OUYRELSF OYU FCKIUGN WKAENR