People that can fuck off: No.23 Vanessa Redgrave

 
Just off out to steal the lead flashing off Vanessa Redgrave's roof. Then I'm gonna dump a load of shit in her garden, rob all her husbands tools off his van and bottle her son down the local.

Wonder if she will support me in my eviction case?

Daft bitch

Kunt Fu

'Crazy' people who claim to love old Kung Fu movies can fuck off...

You could try and make friends by being interesting or genuine, but if you're as exciting as a vow of silence then do yourself a favour and stamp on your own throat.

Halloweiner

The wet fart of cultural excitement that contemporary Britain pathetically tries to simulate during specific calendar events, can one hundred percent fuck off.

Cynically impoverished pedantry runs head first into lazy and unconvincing dress up with egregiously shit results, most noticeable seen on the official pagan/capitalist arsewiping day, Halloween. Watching throngs of feckless gobshites rubbing talc on their faces in an attempt to justify giving them sweets is honestly about as convincing as Brian Blessed eating some lipstick and claiming to be the perfect body double for Scarlett Johansson.

Any persons found participating in these absolute Mickey Mouse imitations should be subjected to a criminal blast of radiation to the groin, ceasing their ability to reproduce. Ideally this will result in the men frothing painful, two-headed sperm and the women laying giant boiled eggs.

People that can Fuck off: No. 49 Davina McCall

Consistently baffles human beings with an onslaught of verbal diarrhoea and facial tics. Looks like the after effect of feeding a horse five grams of MDMA and kicking it in the vagina.

#Getfucked

I wish people that post twitter updates outside of twitter would just go fuck themselves. It's somewhat admirable for Twitter to try and restrict people's absolute drivel to 140 characters, so if I wanted to listen to the concise yet ultimately fucking boring musings of a dullard, I'd subscribe to you on there, stop plastering it everywhere else. Oh and if you're the sort of person that uses hashtags outside of twitter, cease immediately. It's not edgy or clever, its you erroneously using proprietary meta-code. Re-read that last sentence, think about how fucking stupid that sounds and then have a word with yourself, you annoying little prick.

#prat

Dream On You Fucking Mug

People that sit there and painfully bleat on about a dream they've had can get fucked. There is honestly nothing more boring than a dull person ineloquently describing uninteresting events that haven't actually happened to people you've never met, so stop doing it you absolute fucking prats.

I hope these people get wrongfully accused of a gravely serious crime

Dicks Form

Boys who go to a girls school sixth form and suddenly think they are the shit can fuck off...

You can't just whack on a Burton suit, plonk yourself in amongst a load of teenage girls and think you're Hugh Hefner. He had to spend a while breaking down insecure women's self asteem before they would have a go on his doddering old witchetty grub.

I'm releasing a book next week about sixth form boys who are the first person at school to get a car. I tried to post it on here but the blogspot servers simply weren't having it.

People that can Fuck off: No. 75 Andrew Stone

Glitzy epitome for the delusional, brains-like-pigeon-shit masses. Obsesses pointlessly over own celebrity status: resembles a camp terracotta pot wearing lipstick and combat trousers.

Ice Ice Baby

Ice Skating.

There doesn't need any further explanation.

Stools out for summer

The smell of primary school toilets can most definitely fuck off...

Remember that milky concoction of loose child stools and illuminous floor cleaner that wafted forcefully into your face once the door had merely been looked at?

Awful.

If you don't recall this so greatly, here's a fun and easy way to emulate the sensation: drill a large hole in the bottom of a bucket, put your head inside the bucket, pour disinfectant through the hole, soil yourself.

Feels fairly accurate* I'd say.

*For those who were traumatised in their primary school toilets and wish for a more authentic simulation: subtract trousers, add pacifier.