Number withheld

People who don't answer calls from withheld numbers like they are well important can fuck off...

But to be fair, imagine if you answered your phone and it was some bloke doing a survey. You would have to either do it or say no... What an ordeal.

Public service announcement

You can tell fake Simpsons merchandise from a mile off by the shade of Homer's beard. It's always too dark. He might also have his prat hanging out.

Stay vigilant.

Lady MarmaLARD

If you're a woman and you're fat, please don't dress in burlesque gear.

It doesn't make you sexy, it makes you look like a pig in fancy dress.

Business on the feet, party on the legs

People who wear jogging bottoms with shoes are either mad or proper hard.

Big Daddy, Massive Gobshite.

That kid from Big Daddy can fuck off...

What an obnoxious little cunt. No wonder his parents fucked him off.

Tell you what is a proper horrible feeling...

When someone you don't know that well tells you something they did and they think was well funny. That horrible feeling you get when you realise you are going to have to pretend you don't think they are a complete fucking knob.

'Oh once right, me and my friends were so drunk in London and we were singing Glee songs with this tramp!!'

Such idiots they aren't even worth your hatred.

Knickers

I defy any man to say the word 'knickers' in a normal conversation without sounding like a right dirty perv.

It's impossible... Don't even bother.

Creston Blumenthal

Heston Blumenthal can fuck off...

1. He always makes a bit of meat or some other shit like a deer's ground up arsehole look like a piece of fruit.
2. He loves putting stuff in liquid nitrogen like he's on one of those boring kids science shows
3. He looks like Dr. Cortex from Crash Bandicoot

Wanksy

Yeah... Well I work in the building next to the Gherkin.. Yeah it's great, the guys are such a laugh. I mean some of the business trips we get to go on are absolute carnage...

Oh really! I've just moved in up the road from there. It's a lovely place... In a block of newly built flats so yeah like ultra mod. Yeah I've got my massive flat screen TV, Me and the lads sometimes get the beers in and play a bit of Fifa... When we're not on the company account of course! Yeah it's got laminate flooring throughout, I love how it makes my whole house echo.

Yeah I love art, Banksy is my favourite. Yeah I've got these really cool canvas prints of his work in my flat. They don't really fit with the décor. But you know, they look shit in anyone's house.

Annoying inventions #3

A toilet seat that won't stay up...