Tell you what is a proper horrible feeling...

When someone you don't know that well tells you something they did and they think was well funny. That horrible feeling you get when you realise you are going to have to pretend you don't think they are a complete fucking knob.

'Oh once right, me and my friends were so drunk in London and we were singing Glee songs with this tramp!!'

Such idiots they aren't even worth your hatred.

Knickers

I defy any man to say the word 'knickers' in a normal conversation without sounding like a right dirty perv.

It's impossible... Don't even bother.

Creston Blumenthal

Heston Blumenthal can fuck off...

1. He always makes a bit of meat or some other shit like a deer's ground up arsehole look like a piece of fruit.
2. He loves putting stuff in liquid nitrogen like he's on one of those boring kids science shows
3. He looks like Dr. Cortex from Crash Bandicoot

Wanksy

Yeah... Well I work in the building next to the Gherkin.. Yeah it's great, the guys are such a laugh. I mean some of the business trips we get to go on are absolute carnage...

Oh really! I've just moved in up the road from there. It's a lovely place... In a block of newly built flats so yeah like ultra mod. Yeah I've got my massive flat screen TV, Me and the lads sometimes get the beers in and play a bit of Fifa... When we're not on the company account of course! Yeah it's got laminate flooring throughout, I love how it makes my whole house echo.

Yeah I love art, Banksy is my favourite. Yeah I've got these really cool canvas prints of his work in my flat. They don't really fit with the décor. But you know, they look shit in anyone's house.

Annoying inventions #3

A toilet seat that won't stay up...

Proof that fathers are radically unamusing.

The smug dad in that Hair for men advert can fuck off...

Hopefully those ties he's banging on about will be used to moor his absolute barge of a daughter to a radiator when he sets the house on fire. Any spare ties he could use to fashion a noose to hang himself with.

*I would suggest using this tie, just to inject some humour in to the situation*

Owl Murray

Making jokes about the Euro is not funny.

St. Twatrick's day

Happy St. Patrick's day everybody...

I'm going to celebrate by wearing one of those daft Guiness hats.

I will also claim to be half Irish. That always seemed like the in thing to do at school.

Yeah... universities are actually full of idiots

 

Pub golf can fuck off...

Running around endless shitty pubs dressed up like a div, downing rank concoctions whilst standing on one leg just because you want to fit in with a load of smug student bellends.

I can think of far better things to do, like walking around on all fours in a prison...

With my arse hanging out.

Nestle announce cluster add-on packs

Have you noticed how Nestle have scandalously removed nearly all the nuts from it's cereal brand Clusters?

Having said that, they still have the brass to display a tempting bowl of Clusters on the front of the box with a bran flake to nut ratio of at least 15:1. In reality this figure is somewhere around 75:1.

Then Nestle have the further pomposity to write 'Serving Suggestion' next to the photo... Presumably that suggestion being to pour a bowl out, then spent 5 minutes sifting through the box gathering up all the nuts you can find to turn what is essentially a bowl of Bran Flakes into a bowl of clusters.

Cunts.