The Way I Hate

It's hard to know where to start with the most irritating song ever composed by a cognitive mammal. Long hair is truly wasted on the redneck helmet that insists on headbanging through every second of this landfill, penned to present the complex, romanticised notion that women should announce to all men in earshot that they are ready to have sex by making a loud, thoroughly annoying squeaking sound.

Soon enough all of the inbred reprobates huddle to try and make a terrace style football chant of this sorry ode's title, but across all of the UK the only take up was at Stoke City's Britannia Stadium.

In an recent interview for Mumsnet, Andy Gray revealed The Way I Mate was his favourite Rednex track.

My review of Christmas 2010

 Get your giblets out of the turkey!

People who say 'Happy Christmas' can fuck off... it's clearly 'Merry Christmas'.

Merry Birthday you fucking mug, I hope you choke on a Quality Street and the cat pulls your Christmas tree over this year.

0 results for 'Enter Text Here'

Text boxes that don't clear the 'enter text here' when you click on them can fuck off... I know that box is there for text to be entered, how dare you insult me.

I might post a vacancy for an 'urgent 'Enter Text Here' operative required in St Albans', Just for all the poor bastards caught out by this little trap... and for the poor bastards that have to live in St Albans.

Cock Hands...

 Scientists jubilant after successfully cross breeding 

a cunt and a human.

Girls who do rock hands can fuck off...

Those sort of 13 - 14 year old girls you'll find cackling to their mates at bexleyheath half pipe, filming each other whilst growling along to Enter Shikari and uploading it to youtube.

Unfortunately I used to be 14.

Von Crutch

Women who wear baseball caps can fuck off... Especially the ones who have their ponytail hanging out of the hole at the back.

It's a sure fire way to make you look like a right pikey. So unless you look up to people like Jordan and Danielle Lloyd, get rid.

People who look up to Jordan or Danielle Lloyd have brains made of Pregnancy testing kits and fag ends.

If you want the baseball cap look, just print this out and stick it on your head.

Spazz Hands

 People who think 'jazz hands' are funny can fuck off... You're not 'random' or 'kooky' or 'crazy', you're just terribly dull.

Think of a person who's humour is based on quoting comedy shows... They are the people who think jazz hands are funny.

You are a bender / I need some lubricant... And other related jokes.

I knew today was going to be a long day when my class mates were given a tool called a 'conduit BENDER' and 'cutting LUBRICANT'.

How quickly do associated jokes for these words get old??? Not very unfortunately.

Suit Of The Loom

Tonk blokes in suits can fuck off... They look well weird. Also, their collars never sit right around their bulging muscle bound necks.

Obviously I would never say this to a tonk bloke in a suit for fear he would grind my precious skull to dust.

Using clever computer technology I have generated an image of how Arnie should look: (complete with a vest seemingly made from old pond liner)

Easter Neg

Might be a few years late with this now, but hidden tracks can still fuck off even retrospectively. Firstly they are not fucking hidden at all to anyone who knows what a fast forward button does.

Guaranteed to wake you up / shit the life out of you 20 minutes after you thought the album had finished, most hidden tracks aren't even proper songs - on Pearl Jam's Binaural, the track "Writer's Block" was simply Vedder loudly mashing the keys on a typewriter for 28 seconds. Cheers Eddie, well profound mate.

Even when the tracks are quite good, like Slipknot's "Eeyore", the fact that the artist doesn't really count it as a 'proper' track seemingly gives them licence to directly precede it with some utter nonsense as well just to spoil it - in this case, a delightful act of furious sething from a band member forced to watch scat porn. Nice.

Loads of sugar and a dirty price tag... And nothing else

Companies (i.e. Innocent Smoothies) that try and be your mate can fuck off... You're a reputable company, not some 'kooky' student trying to intice people to sign up to a univeristy wakeboarding club.

Describing nutritional information as 'The boring nutrition bit' doesn't put you on the same wavelength as the consumer, it just makes you sound like a cunt.

Loving filthy wads of money > Your apparent mission the help nature and promote healthy living.

If you are my mate, why are you charging me 2 quid for a thimble of mashed up old fruit?