People that can Fuck Off: No. 12 - Lee Nelson

Like Ali G without the irony. Or the jokes.

Epic Cunt

I've had this really good idea for a game show...

It's like most task based game shows except it's got that cunt off the Direct Line adverts shouting 'Epic Win' every 22 seconds.

I'll put it on ITV because more idiots watch that channel.

People that can Fuck Off: No. 64 - George Osborne

What a total fucking earwig.

You say "Potato" she says "Potatoe" he says "Po-datoe" and I've set the kitchen on fire.

People who say "brought" instead of "bought" can honestly just fuck off...

...language is incredibly complex and potentially overwhelming if not broken down with careful consideration to the individuals learning patterns, yet, if this mutant spoonerism, this basic dialectical hurdle, this foremost facet of marriage between meaning and linguistics cannot be conquered by our highly evolved minds, then we may as well buy all of our children Golliwogs for Christmas and start shitting out of windows again. It buggers belief.

Dinner for none.

People taking photographs of their dinner and upload them to social networking sites can fuck off...

...I mean, who actually cares about seeing what you've just gobbled down your vile little neck? No one. Ever. Plus most food-snaps taken by amateur photographers resemble something closer to swill and baby vomit rather than anything discernibly edible.

And for heavens sake do not put "Nom Nom Nom" as an expression of piggy eyed satisfaction, pre/post meal. You're not a six year old attempting to express complex sensory stimulation, you're just a stupid boring wanker.

Number withheld

People who don't answer calls from withheld numbers like they are well important can fuck off...

But to be fair, imagine if you answered your phone and it was some bloke doing a survey. You would have to either do it or say no... What an ordeal.

Public service announcement

You can tell fake Simpsons merchandise from a mile off by the shade of Homer's beard. It's always too dark. He might also have his prat hanging out.

Stay vigilant.

Lady MarmaLARD

If you're a woman and you're fat, please don't dress in burlesque gear.

It doesn't make you sexy, it makes you look like a pig in fancy dress.

Business on the feet, party on the legs

People who wear jogging bottoms with shoes are either mad or proper hard.

Big Daddy, Massive Gobshite.

That kid from Big Daddy can fuck off...

What an obnoxious little cunt. No wonder his parents fucked him off.