Annoying inventions #2

An empty fire extinguisher.

The wanky city worker bar, just off Fleet Street.

Bars that give you your change back on a little dish can fuck off...

I know i've just been ripped off. You know you've just ripped me off. This little dish doesn't make up for that, nor does it make you some classy upmarket establishment.

If you like little change dishes and standing in a bar full of cunts with no atmoshpere, try the following. Invite all your friends out one night, have a living wake for yourself then go home and hang yourself. If someone tries to change your mind, literally don't have any of it.

Drive By Gawping

Those people who get in a car and suddenly feel a bit hard and think they can just stare you out as you walk past can fuck off...

Next time someone does this to you, follow them and key their car whilst they are sitting in it. If they get out to tell you off... key their face... with a broken bottle.

Annoying inventions #1

A hole punch that has the punches set just far apart enough that the paper will not fit in any ring binders.

You would be fuming.

Dem Komposahz

Eggs on the beach

Going to the beach can fuck off...

1. It's well hot
2. It's covered in sand
3. There's loads of little gobshites running around everywhere in those stupid hats with the neck cover on
4. you have to put sun cream on
5. Parents let their kids piss in that bit up the back where all that grass grows through the sand
6. There's too many fat people who aren't ashamed of themselves enough to not wear bikinis / never leave their house.
7. Sometimes beaches proper stink

The Way I Hate

It's hard to know where to start with the most irritating song ever composed by a cognitive mammal. Long hair is truly wasted on the redneck helmet that insists on headbanging through every second of this landfill, penned to present the complex, romanticised notion that women should announce to all men in earshot that they are ready to have sex by making a loud, thoroughly annoying squeaking sound.

Soon enough all of the inbred reprobates huddle to try and make a terrace style football chant of this sorry ode's title, but across all of the UK the only take up was at Stoke City's Britannia Stadium.

In an recent interview for Mumsnet, Andy Gray revealed The Way I Mate was his favourite Rednex track.

My review of Christmas 2010

 Get your giblets out of the turkey!

People who say 'Happy Christmas' can fuck off... it's clearly 'Merry Christmas'.

Merry Birthday you fucking mug, I hope you choke on a Quality Street and the cat pulls your Christmas tree over this year.

0 results for 'Enter Text Here'

Text boxes that don't clear the 'enter text here' when you click on them can fuck off... I know that box is there for text to be entered, how dare you insult me.

I might post a vacancy for an 'urgent 'Enter Text Here' operative required in St Albans', Just for all the poor bastards caught out by this little trap... and for the poor bastards that have to live in St Albans.

Cock Hands...

 Scientists jubilant after successfully cross breeding 

a cunt and a human.

Girls who do rock hands can fuck off...

Those sort of 13 - 14 year old girls you'll find cackling to their mates at bexleyheath half pipe, filming each other whilst growling along to Enter Shikari and uploading it to youtube.

Unfortunately I used to be 14.